Friday, April 25, 2008

Silence

The house is quiet. Cowboy is at the lake. Curt was asleep by 7:30. When we see Dr. Brown on Fridays, he misses his nap. Sometimes this happens.

This is what I say I need. Alone time. So, why am I not happy? The television hums softly to HGTV instead of blaring ESPN. Perhaps the alone time I need is a shopping venue, a restaurant/bar with friends, etc. It doesn't seem like a break when you can't leave the living room, I suppose.

Work is kicking my ass, Tae Bo style. I have to work in the morning for an hour or so. I need a break so badly.

I am overwhelmed. Maybe I should increase the dosage of Wellbutrin as recommended. At least I had time enough tonight to "do" my roots.

*sigh*

Monday, April 21, 2008

Happy, happy, joy, joy

Just a tidbit. Cowboy took Curt to speech today. He called afterwards to tell me about it. (Anyone who knows Cowboy or the millions of men like him know this is a B I G D E A L.) Usually, I will get a "It was fine" if I press hard enough. The Great Communicator he is not.

I really like Curt's SLP. She is patient and kind -- he went with her willingly the first official visit. This says alot. Plus, her name is Gina. Even though it is spelled differently, she surely can't be all bad! The fact that her last name is only one letter away from being exactly mine -- and not a common one at that -- is just plain weird.

Ahem. Moving on...

Curt not only counted to 10 for her, but spelled his name ALOUD whilst writing it with his finger! (Curt is not a big fan of the pencil just yet).

Now, get this. She told Cowboy, "Curt is really more advanced in some areas than other children his age." (Say what?!?) When Cowboy agreed, but then said, "But he still far behind verbally," she replied, "Yes, but not that far behind. He's catching up pretty quickly."

Imagine Mama (that's me) doing her Snoopy dance through the day. Let my boss be a crazed, micro-managing woman about the upcoming event. I can handle ANYTHING with this news!

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Home Again

Cowboy returned home yesterday evening. Today, we decided to go to the Lake, where we looked at a cabin and let Curt spend an hour doing his most favorite activity: throwing rocks!

I wish I could express adequately how Curt's boost in speech makes me feel. When I was gone, he began to say, "Love You." Of course, he said it to his babysitter and her family, but it's great nontheless. I have been training him to say this for months. My little independent thinker. He has been telling me this since I returned. Dammit, I love it.

I know it may sound silly, but to hear him count to 10 (or even 20) and say his alphabet makes me want to cry. He's not yet 4 (July 22) and he didn't really talk at all until he was 3+.

He gives the best hugs and kisses (albeit sloppy) in the world. When I am with him all day with no break, I want to escape. But, when I am away from him for one day, I want him back so badly.

Same goes for Cowboy. We called each other 15 times the last 24 hours we were away from one another. I told him maybe we should spend more time apart. To miss each like we did this time.

It's good to be home.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Back from Knoxville

I'm back. Had to go to Knoxville for an event. I will try to write more later (Curt is in my lap and Cowboy is not yet home from Bammy. He had to return Colter to his mother).

Our campus' big event is in two weeks and it may be slim pickings between now and then. I'm in charge, lucky me. I'm sure many stories of the crazy will follow (but not about me this time).

I will leave you with two of my favorite things: you've already seen my dogwood in bloom -- here's my boy. Toodles for now.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

The Boyz

C1, Cowboy and former BIL Joey, playing Playstation in the garage (We have heat.)

Cowboy was right. I like him.

Colter is bigger than he looks in the photo. He's almost as tall as me! Joey, on other hand, is not nearly as big as he looks. Men need to learn that camo overalls are not a fashion plus.

I realize this photo looks like it should accompany some Southern tornado news story. It really ain't that bad. heh.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Docs, China Cabinets, and Former Families

The china cabinet is now in its new home. I must admit, I love it.

I'm OK. My Doc prescribed Wellbutrin. It takes 4-5 weeks to reach its full potential. I'm looking forward to that. I'm to go back to the Doc in a month to see how it's working for me. I like her. When I began to cry in her office, she said, "When I was getting a divorce last year, I thought I was going to kill someone. I think Wellbutrin will work well for you." She never actually said she had partaken, but it was implied.

She's my age, 42, with a new husband 10 years younger and a one-month-old baby (along with her two older girls). God bless her.

My stepson is coming to visit for Spring Break tomorrow. Cowboy's former BIL is bringing him. I've never met him, but the BIL is staying until Tuesday. (I've already declared I cannot cook for the masses during work. Will cook tomorow night.) My stepson is staying through the week. Cowboy says I will like Joey, they have two things in common -- hunting and neither of them get along very well with the ex. This ought to be interesting. Stay tuned...

Curt, thankfully, is not a true football fan yet, but enjoyed the spring games. Not as much as Daddy, of course.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tommorow!

I'm really looking forward to my appointment. I had to close my door and cry in my office again today. I'm beginning to feel like Holly Hunter in "Broadcast News." (One of my favorite movies, even though I think James L. Brooks acts shitty at the end.)

I think this job has more to do with my current state than I realized last week. The constant badgering and distrust one day, love-fest I'm the best think in the world the next would take its toll on anyone, I think. It's upsetting, even if you know the truth.

I ain't Brad, but I ain't bad. I'm doing the best I can. It's never good enough.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Of Friends Past

I have a good feeling, just by making the appointment. For me, at least. Do I reveal too much here? I find that I want to defend Cowboy when good folks are only telling me what they believe is true...due to my own post. Hmmm.

I talked to my best friend, Bizzy, tonight. This was good. Laughter abound and all that lovely business. I do love the Bizzy!

However, our talk wasn't all laughs. Our friend is out of control. Way out. It is not my place to go into details, but it's really bad.

Is is wrong that this situation makes me feel my life is so much more in control? By golly, compared to this, my life could be compared to the Beav or Ozzie and Harriet.

God keep you, Gaylon, wherever you are. We're trying to find you.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Prescript - Postscript

I did it. I made the doctor's appointment. Anti-depressants, here I come!

Re-reading my post did it for me. The information in the post is true, but it's how I sounded. Not like me.

I hear that Lexapro is an effective management tool (think 'What about Bob?" here), so I'm going to talk to my ob/gyn about that.

Just think, in five short weeks I could feel like a new person, telling him to go on back to Bammy if that's his pleasure and throwing dirty pants at his head whilst he naps.

It will be good for things to get back to normal.

P.S. Thanks for your support. I don't mean to laugh at anxiety/depression (I think I have a combination of both). However, I must be able to laugh at myself. Or with myself. You know what I mean.

Prozac, anyone?

I posted an entry last night, but changed my mind. It’s gone now.

I am having a sad day. I wish it were only this day. It’s not.

Work is mind-blowingly busy and so much harder than it has to be. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

We were to close on another rental property yesterday, but Cowboy found lots of water under the house. We backed out. In true Cowboy form, he is not worried that we won’t be refunded our $500 earnest money. He is worried they will sue us. (Isn’t that why you have a final walk-through before closing? Has anyone else experienced this?)

Said conversation between us gets heated and we have another drama-filled night. I hate drama-filled nights. I have drama-filled days. I want peaceful, contented nights.

We have those nights much too often. When he is upset, he usually ends up speaking of divorce or just leaving to go back to Alabama. He’s packed bags on several occasions.

I’m sorry your business is stressful to you, Cowboy. My job is stressful, too. Then I come home and have jobs #2 (Curt) and #3 (house) to do. It would be helpful if you would pick up your damned pants and put your coffee cup in the sink.

Curt is making great progress. That being said, the worry is always, constantly in the back of my mind. Always.

I’m physically and mentally exhausted. I want to take Curt and run away. But, to where?

The sun is finally shining again. It can’t hurt.